“Really? Well…let me show you what this baby can do,” replied the driver, a professional racer with a side gig taking tourists for joyrides. 

Let me show you what this baby can do.

Whether you’re in a car, a plane, a glider or a rollercoaster, when you hear these particular words in that particular order, it’s best to strap in and prepare for the ride of a lifetime.

Porsche operates three Experience Centres in the United States, and after crawling through traffic on the 110-S, their Los Angeles location was just what I needed to speed things along. The 53-acre facility offers several packages for Porsche fans, owners, car nuts, and folks like me who reside somewhere in that matrix. You can sign up and drive five different models to compare them on the speed track or take driving lessons in a particular model you choose, receiving professional instruction and complex data on your skills, or lack thereof. 

I’m here to see what these babies can do, with neither the time, budget or inclination to learn how to actually drive one. This allows me to sample three thrilling demo experiences safe in the hands of qualified professionals. First off, I’m shown to a 911 to experience the fast and furious sensation of drifting. My driver effortlessly pulled doughnuts and figure eights as the 911’s tires screeched smoke and the brakes burned. Drifting is done on a special dry, polished concrete part of the track called the Low Friction Handling Circuit, which is why the tires and vehicle can take this sort of punishment. It’s a tremendous amount of fun, especially when you’re in the passenger seat and don’t have to worry about the massive damage you’d surely cause if you attempted any of this yourself. 

I’m next directed to a Cayenne S and the off-road track, a loop full of creative obstacles designed to challenge adventurous drivers and showcase the ability of Porsche’s most popular SUV. I never quite understood the concept of a Porsche SUV until my driver pushed a button on the fancy electronic dashboard, which instantly lowers and raises the vehicle, smoothly adapting the suspension for both rocky river crossings and speedy race tracks. He tells me he never quite understood the Cayenne’s appeal either but that it’s now his favourite model. We navigate tricky rocks and steep banks, drive over a see-saw and log track where we pause, facing down, with one rear wheel spinning in the air. Going up and down a jarringly steep 78 per cent inclined hill, neither the Cayenne nor the driver broke a sweat. I, however, displayed white knuckles on the grab handle and gratitude I was not at the wheel of a vehicle that currently retails in Canada for 107,000.